Today, I began to just let go of everything. I cried. I thought of terrible thoughts and began to question everything. I did this while pacing the floor and talking on the phone to a very dear friend who all the while encouraged me to let it all out, and so I did.
I promised her that I would not blog about today because it was all negative. There was nothing positive and faith seemed lacking. It is what I feel today and sometimes even my optimistic self begins to doubt life. I looked at my dogs and cried. I have no where to stay, tomorrow. I have, maybe, enough money for a one night stay in a hotel but then what? I could go to a campground and pitch the tent but all of the campgrounds are booked, I checked. I could go to a homeless shelter but sadly they too are full and have waiting lists. I cry as I think about my only option of staying in my jeep and then when checking for safe places to stay I learn that it is not legal in Oregon to sleep in your vehicle. So, what do I do? Where do I go? I asked God, "Do You know?"
I mentioned how simple it is to just end "it" because my dogs would go to great homes and no one would be the wiser except for the ones wondering why the blog has ended. Perhaps, somehow word would get out about the person who challenged faith and just gave up because it was more than she could take. She left her dogs who have been adopted out. My friend did not appreciate the conversation but encouraged me to keep going, as I paced the floor crying into the phone. I told her I was too selfish to actually do something so bold. I do not want to lose my dogs because they keep me going and they remind me that I am not in this alone. If I have to sleep in the jeep I will smell like them and feel sad because Trey is too big and will not be comfortable while watching as Kaia has her own bed and is just the right size to not be concerned. Dogs are amazing life savers. Those who have been in my position will tell you if not for their dog they would have let life go. I should know because I spoke to a young lady who has gone through this and she told me that she had thought of suicide if it had not been for her pug. Dogs are amazing life savers. Simply put, my life means nothing I am just a spec of dust floating into the universe except to my dogs I am life , I am love and I am mom.
My friend encouraged me to keep crying and let it all out. So I told her that today I question my faith and that even now I keep thinking about helping others before realizing I need help. What can I do to fix someone else's problem when I cannot fix my own. I laugh as I recall making the statement that faith comes with great obstacles and that our obstacles are based on our inner strengths. I don't want to be this strong. I don't dare ask the question why? or why me? I would rather it be me than someone else and I have learned there are a lot of someone else's in Portland, Oregon. This thought was interesting to my friend, "I would rather go through this than to wish it on another." Yet, here I am wishing for today the situation could end.
I was encouraged to think about all of the things I miss. I miss my bed and the seven inches of memory foam the most. I miss the smell of my soft clean sheets and bedspread. The smell and warmth of my blankets. I miss my pillows, I think I have six big pillows for my bed. I miss my massage chair. I could and would use it more to show my appreciation. I miss my rice cooker and hot water boiler. I miss my clothes and shoes. I miss all of my books and journals and the notebooks that contain the stories I have been composing. I miss the smaller notebooks of my poetry and how I can read through these things and marvel at knowing I wrote each one. I am able to remember the story behind each poem and those who inspired the words. I miss my music. I have my MP3 player but I miss the turntable and stereo. Playing the albums and listening for the crackling sound followed by strong bass and treble. I miss my dry erase board and the positive words I had written to keep me focused on the positive and to remind myself that I am an amazing person. Affirmations are important. I miss my giant wall board, just because I have one. (smile) Then I realized I missed nice hot bubble baths taken with jazz playing in the background and a glass of red wine sitting next to the body wash. I miss steak dinners. I miss Japanese curry, Indian curry and their smells coming from my kitchen. I miss my incense and the scents that calm me and make me feel warm. I miss the dog's water fountain and the buzzing hum that it makes when it is out of water. All of these things are in my storage unit and that unit seems so far away from me, today.
I began to relax and breath as these thoughts comforted me. It was as if I needed to remember the person I am and all of the things I loved in order to feel that my life is worth living. That maybe if I am patient and work really hard I can be united with these treasures and that maybe I will appreciate them more instead of taking for granted that I have them.
Faith, blind faith and the courage to do it...... Ask yourself, could you live as a homeless person, nowhere to stay, no money, no healthy food and try to keep a positive demeanor and belief that tomorrow will be better? I am holding on to faith. I am going to keep going forward, blindly. I want to finish what I began and face what happens next. It is not always happiness and gratitude the reality is that I am scared and as a cowardly lion I am also amazed at the end of each day that I am still here and still writing about faith.
Thank you for following along with me, today, on this leg of my journey. I apologize for writing in such a depressing manner, however, to not admit that there are days like this would be lying to all who are following me. (smile)
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