Where does blind faith take me? I ask this question a lot because each day is a mystery. I wake to the generosity of friends because I am in a hotel and not on the streets. I begin the day in prayer and ask when will I be okay? I think the funny thing about asking that question is that I am okay, for this moment but I am constantly aware that the moment will end.
I have contacted several shelters in this town. I have met one person who was willing to defy her own shelter's rules to help me and today, unfortunately, she got caught. She was being very kind to a stranger in need. She used the tools and resources she had to help me. Her boss is upset because I am a single person and not a family. You see in this town there is an enormous flow of help for families and yet nothing for a single woman with two pets. So for people like me I have to rely on people who are willing to take a chance and help.
What is a person like me? I am highly employable with a great work ethic. I have impeccable references for both work and character. I am alone in a town. I am seeking employment and I feel hopeful. I have no money but that which has been given to me from friends who care about me. Each day I wait for the call of an employer willing to hire me. Once hired, it will take time before I can get into an apartment, at least a couple of paychecks. While I may have a job what do I do with my dogs? I have no place for my dogs and the one person who was helping me is no longer able to help. You see, her organization helps to place dogs in Petsmart dog hotel during the time in which the owners are in transition. This also affords the dogs veterinary services and great care in a trusted environment.
Where does blind faith take me.... It takes me into a room in which there are no windows or doors. I am here with my pets and we wait for the next day, the next available moment of help from someone who is willing to care. Blind faith means I am blind and the control of each day is in God's hands.
Today, I have a place to stay. I am in school and attempting to complete weeks of homework, in advance. I am applying for jobs. I have food. I have my dogs. I am grateful.
Thank you for following along with me on this leg of my journey.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Friday, September 4, 2015
When the feeling of courage begins to die...
Today, I began to just let go of everything. I cried. I thought of terrible thoughts and began to question everything. I did this while pacing the floor and talking on the phone to a very dear friend who all the while encouraged me to let it all out, and so I did.
I promised her that I would not blog about today because it was all negative. There was nothing positive and faith seemed lacking. It is what I feel today and sometimes even my optimistic self begins to doubt life. I looked at my dogs and cried. I have no where to stay, tomorrow. I have, maybe, enough money for a one night stay in a hotel but then what? I could go to a campground and pitch the tent but all of the campgrounds are booked, I checked. I could go to a homeless shelter but sadly they too are full and have waiting lists. I cry as I think about my only option of staying in my jeep and then when checking for safe places to stay I learn that it is not legal in Oregon to sleep in your vehicle. So, what do I do? Where do I go? I asked God, "Do You know?"
I mentioned how simple it is to just end "it" because my dogs would go to great homes and no one would be the wiser except for the ones wondering why the blog has ended. Perhaps, somehow word would get out about the person who challenged faith and just gave up because it was more than she could take. She left her dogs who have been adopted out. My friend did not appreciate the conversation but encouraged me to keep going, as I paced the floor crying into the phone. I told her I was too selfish to actually do something so bold. I do not want to lose my dogs because they keep me going and they remind me that I am not in this alone. If I have to sleep in the jeep I will smell like them and feel sad because Trey is too big and will not be comfortable while watching as Kaia has her own bed and is just the right size to not be concerned. Dogs are amazing life savers. Those who have been in my position will tell you if not for their dog they would have let life go. I should know because I spoke to a young lady who has gone through this and she told me that she had thought of suicide if it had not been for her pug. Dogs are amazing life savers. Simply put, my life means nothing I am just a spec of dust floating into the universe except to my dogs I am life , I am love and I am mom.
My friend encouraged me to keep crying and let it all out. So I told her that today I question my faith and that even now I keep thinking about helping others before realizing I need help. What can I do to fix someone else's problem when I cannot fix my own. I laugh as I recall making the statement that faith comes with great obstacles and that our obstacles are based on our inner strengths. I don't want to be this strong. I don't dare ask the question why? or why me? I would rather it be me than someone else and I have learned there are a lot of someone else's in Portland, Oregon. This thought was interesting to my friend, "I would rather go through this than to wish it on another." Yet, here I am wishing for today the situation could end.
I was encouraged to think about all of the things I miss. I miss my bed and the seven inches of memory foam the most. I miss the smell of my soft clean sheets and bedspread. The smell and warmth of my blankets. I miss my pillows, I think I have six big pillows for my bed. I miss my massage chair. I could and would use it more to show my appreciation. I miss my rice cooker and hot water boiler. I miss my clothes and shoes. I miss all of my books and journals and the notebooks that contain the stories I have been composing. I miss the smaller notebooks of my poetry and how I can read through these things and marvel at knowing I wrote each one. I am able to remember the story behind each poem and those who inspired the words. I miss my music. I have my MP3 player but I miss the turntable and stereo. Playing the albums and listening for the crackling sound followed by strong bass and treble. I miss my dry erase board and the positive words I had written to keep me focused on the positive and to remind myself that I am an amazing person. Affirmations are important. I miss my giant wall board, just because I have one. (smile) Then I realized I missed nice hot bubble baths taken with jazz playing in the background and a glass of red wine sitting next to the body wash. I miss steak dinners. I miss Japanese curry, Indian curry and their smells coming from my kitchen. I miss my incense and the scents that calm me and make me feel warm. I miss the dog's water fountain and the buzzing hum that it makes when it is out of water. All of these things are in my storage unit and that unit seems so far away from me, today.
I began to relax and breath as these thoughts comforted me. It was as if I needed to remember the person I am and all of the things I loved in order to feel that my life is worth living. That maybe if I am patient and work really hard I can be united with these treasures and that maybe I will appreciate them more instead of taking for granted that I have them.
Faith, blind faith and the courage to do it...... Ask yourself, could you live as a homeless person, nowhere to stay, no money, no healthy food and try to keep a positive demeanor and belief that tomorrow will be better? I am holding on to faith. I am going to keep going forward, blindly. I want to finish what I began and face what happens next. It is not always happiness and gratitude the reality is that I am scared and as a cowardly lion I am also amazed at the end of each day that I am still here and still writing about faith.
Thank you for following along with me, today, on this leg of my journey. I apologize for writing in such a depressing manner, however, to not admit that there are days like this would be lying to all who are following me. (smile)
I promised her that I would not blog about today because it was all negative. There was nothing positive and faith seemed lacking. It is what I feel today and sometimes even my optimistic self begins to doubt life. I looked at my dogs and cried. I have no where to stay, tomorrow. I have, maybe, enough money for a one night stay in a hotel but then what? I could go to a campground and pitch the tent but all of the campgrounds are booked, I checked. I could go to a homeless shelter but sadly they too are full and have waiting lists. I cry as I think about my only option of staying in my jeep and then when checking for safe places to stay I learn that it is not legal in Oregon to sleep in your vehicle. So, what do I do? Where do I go? I asked God, "Do You know?"
I mentioned how simple it is to just end "it" because my dogs would go to great homes and no one would be the wiser except for the ones wondering why the blog has ended. Perhaps, somehow word would get out about the person who challenged faith and just gave up because it was more than she could take. She left her dogs who have been adopted out. My friend did not appreciate the conversation but encouraged me to keep going, as I paced the floor crying into the phone. I told her I was too selfish to actually do something so bold. I do not want to lose my dogs because they keep me going and they remind me that I am not in this alone. If I have to sleep in the jeep I will smell like them and feel sad because Trey is too big and will not be comfortable while watching as Kaia has her own bed and is just the right size to not be concerned. Dogs are amazing life savers. Those who have been in my position will tell you if not for their dog they would have let life go. I should know because I spoke to a young lady who has gone through this and she told me that she had thought of suicide if it had not been for her pug. Dogs are amazing life savers. Simply put, my life means nothing I am just a spec of dust floating into the universe except to my dogs I am life , I am love and I am mom.
My friend encouraged me to keep crying and let it all out. So I told her that today I question my faith and that even now I keep thinking about helping others before realizing I need help. What can I do to fix someone else's problem when I cannot fix my own. I laugh as I recall making the statement that faith comes with great obstacles and that our obstacles are based on our inner strengths. I don't want to be this strong. I don't dare ask the question why? or why me? I would rather it be me than someone else and I have learned there are a lot of someone else's in Portland, Oregon. This thought was interesting to my friend, "I would rather go through this than to wish it on another." Yet, here I am wishing for today the situation could end.
I was encouraged to think about all of the things I miss. I miss my bed and the seven inches of memory foam the most. I miss the smell of my soft clean sheets and bedspread. The smell and warmth of my blankets. I miss my pillows, I think I have six big pillows for my bed. I miss my massage chair. I could and would use it more to show my appreciation. I miss my rice cooker and hot water boiler. I miss my clothes and shoes. I miss all of my books and journals and the notebooks that contain the stories I have been composing. I miss the smaller notebooks of my poetry and how I can read through these things and marvel at knowing I wrote each one. I am able to remember the story behind each poem and those who inspired the words. I miss my music. I have my MP3 player but I miss the turntable and stereo. Playing the albums and listening for the crackling sound followed by strong bass and treble. I miss my dry erase board and the positive words I had written to keep me focused on the positive and to remind myself that I am an amazing person. Affirmations are important. I miss my giant wall board, just because I have one. (smile) Then I realized I missed nice hot bubble baths taken with jazz playing in the background and a glass of red wine sitting next to the body wash. I miss steak dinners. I miss Japanese curry, Indian curry and their smells coming from my kitchen. I miss my incense and the scents that calm me and make me feel warm. I miss the dog's water fountain and the buzzing hum that it makes when it is out of water. All of these things are in my storage unit and that unit seems so far away from me, today.
I began to relax and breath as these thoughts comforted me. It was as if I needed to remember the person I am and all of the things I loved in order to feel that my life is worth living. That maybe if I am patient and work really hard I can be united with these treasures and that maybe I will appreciate them more instead of taking for granted that I have them.
Faith, blind faith and the courage to do it...... Ask yourself, could you live as a homeless person, nowhere to stay, no money, no healthy food and try to keep a positive demeanor and belief that tomorrow will be better? I am holding on to faith. I am going to keep going forward, blindly. I want to finish what I began and face what happens next. It is not always happiness and gratitude the reality is that I am scared and as a cowardly lion I am also amazed at the end of each day that I am still here and still writing about faith.
Thank you for following along with me, today, on this leg of my journey. I apologize for writing in such a depressing manner, however, to not admit that there are days like this would be lying to all who are following me. (smile)
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
The Cowardly Lion
Today, I woke and prayed all of my concerns to God. I do not know what will happen to me today....
I write these words and they feel a bit ominous as I look outside and see dark clouds and the rain beginning to fall.So to brighten the mood I will stay positive, the sun has broken through the clouds and the view outside is beginning to brighten.
I will write as if I can write an adventure that would seem like so much life will happen and everything will be right with the world. I can write that today, that dream opportunity will present itself and for good measure there will be an immediate bonus and enough to afford a place to stay. I wish the power of the pen was this strong. Can you imagine writing the life you wish to have and it actually happening just the way you write it?
This morning I was reminded of the cowardly lion. He lacked courage. He followed Dorothy on her adventure never realizing the courage that he had that kept him going in the face of all of his fears. He never saw that he kept taking one step forward each day. Today, I started to look back and wonder what my life would be like if I were to go back to Omaha, Nebraska. I think of all of my friends who would welcome me with open arms and offer me a safe place to stay with my dogs. I think about the great food that would be shared and the stories I could tell them. I think about the opportunities and that I could probably go back to my old job. I think these thoughts and smile. That could be me, right?
Then I think about this journey. Every step that has been taken to get to where I am right now. I begin to ask why it has been riddled with obstacles and how waking every day seems the most frightening because I have no idea as to how far I have journeyed, how close I may be to the finish line or what is waiting for me right around the corner. I have experienced so many obstacles that my expectations seem to only think that there will be a monster hidden around the corner waiting to leap out and devour me. Funny to come this far to be devoured by some hideous monster.
As a cowardly lion, I am not able to see the good things that I have encountered along my way. The many friends who have encouraged me and are praying that I keep going forward. The people who have surprised me with their generosity by donating money to help me in the smallest ways. The beautiful drives through the mountains which I would have never experienced from the comfort of my apartment in Omaha. What it was like to stay in a creepy old house which for me was made into being a negative place and yet I survived and made it out. The loss of relatives who could not offer help but instead ridiculed me saying that I am "reaping what I sow" which in the end is acceptable because my life has not been perfect and if this is punishment, I am taking it quite well. I am not able to see the greatness of a community coming to help me. I am not able to see the days spent in a yurt surrounded by a peace that calmed my breaking heart. I am not able to see the miracles of timing that when I really needed something little by little those things were being met and that there are those who witnessed these little things happening. How did my co-workers know to text me right at the moment in which I was leaving a bank not being able to cash a check and offer me enough money to afford a few days in the yurt..... I have had several moments like that one and yet because I am the cowardly lion I am not able to fully grasp and appreciate the magnitude and this makes me feel ashamed.
This weekend I was forced to drive to the beach and camp in a campground. The hotel in which I was staying was full and I had nowhere else to stay. The drive was amazing, refreshing and calming. The winding roads were surrounded by old trees which had begun to change colors due to the severe dry weather. These trees looked tall and strong and I admired their strength as I drove through them in the two lane highway maneuvering each sharp curve of the roads around the mountains. Occasionally, I would drive through a curve and see the warning on my visor that reminded me that Jeeps have a high rollover rate..... I arrived at the beach with my dogs and the wind was blowing very strong. I arrived just in time for a storm and this was my first time camping as an adult. I did not have much time but I was able to set up my tent and, thanks to my great lung capacity, blow air into my air bed to keep me from sleeping on the hard ground. I had enough to afford to go to a restaurant that claims to have the best fish and chips in the area and appreciate a cup of real clam chowder. The dogs enjoyed the new environment; they had never been to a beach. That night the storm hit and it was very strong. The winds whipped at my tent and the rain poured buckets of water over my head. My dogs slept while I waited for the tent to cave in and fall apart. My mind wondered if the set up was accurate what if I had forgotten something and it all comes apart? I woke to being dry. The tent was intact no water had entered and the only thing that happened was that my entire body was stiff from being tense all night. The experience was one I had not expected but I was glad to have had it because when would I have been able to camp at a beach with my dogs along the Oregon coast. It would not have happened had I not journeyed here.
I had a scare while at the campsite.... I checked my bank balance and was told that I was in negative numbers. This sent me on a frenzy to figure out what went wrong and what I could do. I was alone, in a tent, with my dogs, I had no money and could not afford an additional stay. I called and texted everyone and I could feel the prayers as they too began to worry about me. Then in the midst of all of the craziness a silent voice from within said, "Go." I broke down my tent and folded everything up and packed it back into my jeep and drove. I had placed a room reservation for the week and according to my phone it had gone through. The only way to know for sure was to get there and if things were to be bad, well, I would have to face that also. I had less than a half tank of gasoline and a drive of seventy nine miles. The bank stated that even though I was in negative numbers there was about forty dollars available but that was all I had. I went to a nearby grocery store and purchased a bottled water for a dollar and got twenty dollars cash. I put ten dollars in my gas tank because that should afford me at least sixty six miles. I drove back through the mountains and because of my emotional state each curve along the mountain made me feel as if the Jeep would rollover. Then a silent voice in my head took over and told me to look ahead instead of at the curve before me, to concentrate on a focal point beyond the curve and I began to handle each curve like a professional. The voice explained that I was too emotional to drive but that I had someplace to go and that I needed to get there safely. The voice stayed with me until I reached the hotel and when I asked the voice if I was going to be okay he assured me that I would be more than okay. I felt my nerves in my body shake as I walked to the front desk of the hotel. I gave them my name and the clerk said they did not have my reservation. My heart dropped and then the clerk asked if I had tried the same named hotel across the street? I drove across the street and once again felt my nerve endings shaking in fear. I walked through the lobby to the front desk and gave my name. The front desk clerk smiled handed the key to me and told me to enjoy my stay.
The next day, I checked my bank statement and the room cleared for the week and my account was not in negative numbers. I had a place to stay until Saturday. I had twenty nine dollars in my account and for this one moment it felt like I had a hundred dollars. I texted my friends and told them the news and felt all of them sigh in relief. I was safe, their prayers had been answered.
I am the cowardly lion. I face each day in fear but I keep going forward because things are happening around me and I feel deep inside that I am not alone. I try not to ask for help from my friends or strangers but I recognize when I should and so if you are reading this and feel inclined to help I have a go fund me page set up and I am taking donations. I will continue to write about my journey and let you follow along as I, the cowardly lion take each blind faith step toward courage and the finish line.
Thank you for following along with me in this new leg of my journey.
You can donate to:
http://www.gofundme.com/3k5w4g8tg
I write these words and they feel a bit ominous as I look outside and see dark clouds and the rain beginning to fall.So to brighten the mood I will stay positive, the sun has broken through the clouds and the view outside is beginning to brighten.
I will write as if I can write an adventure that would seem like so much life will happen and everything will be right with the world. I can write that today, that dream opportunity will present itself and for good measure there will be an immediate bonus and enough to afford a place to stay. I wish the power of the pen was this strong. Can you imagine writing the life you wish to have and it actually happening just the way you write it?
This morning I was reminded of the cowardly lion. He lacked courage. He followed Dorothy on her adventure never realizing the courage that he had that kept him going in the face of all of his fears. He never saw that he kept taking one step forward each day. Today, I started to look back and wonder what my life would be like if I were to go back to Omaha, Nebraska. I think of all of my friends who would welcome me with open arms and offer me a safe place to stay with my dogs. I think about the great food that would be shared and the stories I could tell them. I think about the opportunities and that I could probably go back to my old job. I think these thoughts and smile. That could be me, right?
Then I think about this journey. Every step that has been taken to get to where I am right now. I begin to ask why it has been riddled with obstacles and how waking every day seems the most frightening because I have no idea as to how far I have journeyed, how close I may be to the finish line or what is waiting for me right around the corner. I have experienced so many obstacles that my expectations seem to only think that there will be a monster hidden around the corner waiting to leap out and devour me. Funny to come this far to be devoured by some hideous monster.
As a cowardly lion, I am not able to see the good things that I have encountered along my way. The many friends who have encouraged me and are praying that I keep going forward. The people who have surprised me with their generosity by donating money to help me in the smallest ways. The beautiful drives through the mountains which I would have never experienced from the comfort of my apartment in Omaha. What it was like to stay in a creepy old house which for me was made into being a negative place and yet I survived and made it out. The loss of relatives who could not offer help but instead ridiculed me saying that I am "reaping what I sow" which in the end is acceptable because my life has not been perfect and if this is punishment, I am taking it quite well. I am not able to see the greatness of a community coming to help me. I am not able to see the days spent in a yurt surrounded by a peace that calmed my breaking heart. I am not able to see the miracles of timing that when I really needed something little by little those things were being met and that there are those who witnessed these little things happening. How did my co-workers know to text me right at the moment in which I was leaving a bank not being able to cash a check and offer me enough money to afford a few days in the yurt..... I have had several moments like that one and yet because I am the cowardly lion I am not able to fully grasp and appreciate the magnitude and this makes me feel ashamed.
This weekend I was forced to drive to the beach and camp in a campground. The hotel in which I was staying was full and I had nowhere else to stay. The drive was amazing, refreshing and calming. The winding roads were surrounded by old trees which had begun to change colors due to the severe dry weather. These trees looked tall and strong and I admired their strength as I drove through them in the two lane highway maneuvering each sharp curve of the roads around the mountains. Occasionally, I would drive through a curve and see the warning on my visor that reminded me that Jeeps have a high rollover rate..... I arrived at the beach with my dogs and the wind was blowing very strong. I arrived just in time for a storm and this was my first time camping as an adult. I did not have much time but I was able to set up my tent and, thanks to my great lung capacity, blow air into my air bed to keep me from sleeping on the hard ground. I had enough to afford to go to a restaurant that claims to have the best fish and chips in the area and appreciate a cup of real clam chowder. The dogs enjoyed the new environment; they had never been to a beach. That night the storm hit and it was very strong. The winds whipped at my tent and the rain poured buckets of water over my head. My dogs slept while I waited for the tent to cave in and fall apart. My mind wondered if the set up was accurate what if I had forgotten something and it all comes apart? I woke to being dry. The tent was intact no water had entered and the only thing that happened was that my entire body was stiff from being tense all night. The experience was one I had not expected but I was glad to have had it because when would I have been able to camp at a beach with my dogs along the Oregon coast. It would not have happened had I not journeyed here.
I had a scare while at the campsite.... I checked my bank balance and was told that I was in negative numbers. This sent me on a frenzy to figure out what went wrong and what I could do. I was alone, in a tent, with my dogs, I had no money and could not afford an additional stay. I called and texted everyone and I could feel the prayers as they too began to worry about me. Then in the midst of all of the craziness a silent voice from within said, "Go." I broke down my tent and folded everything up and packed it back into my jeep and drove. I had placed a room reservation for the week and according to my phone it had gone through. The only way to know for sure was to get there and if things were to be bad, well, I would have to face that also. I had less than a half tank of gasoline and a drive of seventy nine miles. The bank stated that even though I was in negative numbers there was about forty dollars available but that was all I had. I went to a nearby grocery store and purchased a bottled water for a dollar and got twenty dollars cash. I put ten dollars in my gas tank because that should afford me at least sixty six miles. I drove back through the mountains and because of my emotional state each curve along the mountain made me feel as if the Jeep would rollover. Then a silent voice in my head took over and told me to look ahead instead of at the curve before me, to concentrate on a focal point beyond the curve and I began to handle each curve like a professional. The voice explained that I was too emotional to drive but that I had someplace to go and that I needed to get there safely. The voice stayed with me until I reached the hotel and when I asked the voice if I was going to be okay he assured me that I would be more than okay. I felt my nerves in my body shake as I walked to the front desk of the hotel. I gave them my name and the clerk said they did not have my reservation. My heart dropped and then the clerk asked if I had tried the same named hotel across the street? I drove across the street and once again felt my nerve endings shaking in fear. I walked through the lobby to the front desk and gave my name. The front desk clerk smiled handed the key to me and told me to enjoy my stay.
The next day, I checked my bank statement and the room cleared for the week and my account was not in negative numbers. I had a place to stay until Saturday. I had twenty nine dollars in my account and for this one moment it felt like I had a hundred dollars. I texted my friends and told them the news and felt all of them sigh in relief. I was safe, their prayers had been answered.
I am the cowardly lion. I face each day in fear but I keep going forward because things are happening around me and I feel deep inside that I am not alone. I try not to ask for help from my friends or strangers but I recognize when I should and so if you are reading this and feel inclined to help I have a go fund me page set up and I am taking donations. I will continue to write about my journey and let you follow along as I, the cowardly lion take each blind faith step toward courage and the finish line.
Thank you for following along with me in this new leg of my journey.
You can donate to:
http://www.gofundme.com/3k5w4g8tg
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
What happens when faith becomes blind?
What happens when faith becomes blind?
I often think back to the beginning of this journey which actually began in 2009, when I decided to go to college. I was very nervous. Every time I went to class I was shaking. I handed in my essays and my instructor would ask me if everything was okay because I was shaking in fear. I was afraid of not being able to write, that my paper was not entertaining. I always received an "A" but that was the most stressful "A" and then I began to relax and write understanding that I could. I began to have fun going to school and sitting in a class surrounded by people who were a good 20 years younger. There were a few others who had decided to take a chance on going to school later in life but we were always surrounded by younger people.
I remember being a young person in college and not really caring about school. I was burnt out. I had no idea what I wanted to do except that I took a drama class and it changed my life. I read a play that was written by Eugene O'Neill titled The Hairy Ape and I never forgot that play. I think it was then that I felt a familiarity to words and how they can move readers.
I knew I enjoyed writing and creating sentences using words that play around each other and linger. I enjoy writing poetry and creating stories. I never realized that my first public written work would be about me and faith. Writing is the one thing that cannot be taken away from me and it kind of kick started my desire to want to see how I could use writing to earn a living. I started my step of faith in 2009 with only a couple of known facts, I enjoy reading and writing. I did not know if this would lead me to a career in writing but I wanted to change my career path and explore the possibilities. I never would have thought this one little step would take me to where I am today.
I am now on this journey walking blindly into each day. I will begin to write about what each day gives to me because when I settle my nerves from fear I am able to see such amazing beauty that is surrounding me. I am able to recognize amazing people and experience things I would have never experienced had I not taken that step of faith and kept walking.
Today, I have a roof over my head. Today, I have food to eat. Today, I have my dogs. Today, I even had an interview with a staffing agency. I am learning to live one day at a time. I am learning that this part of my journey is being directed and guided for me as I walk blindly.
Thank you for following along with me on this new leg of my journey.
I often think back to the beginning of this journey which actually began in 2009, when I decided to go to college. I was very nervous. Every time I went to class I was shaking. I handed in my essays and my instructor would ask me if everything was okay because I was shaking in fear. I was afraid of not being able to write, that my paper was not entertaining. I always received an "A" but that was the most stressful "A" and then I began to relax and write understanding that I could. I began to have fun going to school and sitting in a class surrounded by people who were a good 20 years younger. There were a few others who had decided to take a chance on going to school later in life but we were always surrounded by younger people.
I remember being a young person in college and not really caring about school. I was burnt out. I had no idea what I wanted to do except that I took a drama class and it changed my life. I read a play that was written by Eugene O'Neill titled The Hairy Ape and I never forgot that play. I think it was then that I felt a familiarity to words and how they can move readers.
I knew I enjoyed writing and creating sentences using words that play around each other and linger. I enjoy writing poetry and creating stories. I never realized that my first public written work would be about me and faith. Writing is the one thing that cannot be taken away from me and it kind of kick started my desire to want to see how I could use writing to earn a living. I started my step of faith in 2009 with only a couple of known facts, I enjoy reading and writing. I did not know if this would lead me to a career in writing but I wanted to change my career path and explore the possibilities. I never would have thought this one little step would take me to where I am today.
I am now on this journey walking blindly into each day. I will begin to write about what each day gives to me because when I settle my nerves from fear I am able to see such amazing beauty that is surrounding me. I am able to recognize amazing people and experience things I would have never experienced had I not taken that step of faith and kept walking.
Today, I have a roof over my head. Today, I have food to eat. Today, I have my dogs. Today, I even had an interview with a staffing agency. I am learning to live one day at a time. I am learning that this part of my journey is being directed and guided for me as I walk blindly.
Thank you for following along with me on this new leg of my journey.
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