The Cowardly Lion

Today, I woke and prayed all of my concerns to God. I do not know what will happen to me today....
I write these words and they feel a bit ominous as I look outside and see dark clouds and the rain beginning to fall.So to brighten the mood I will stay positive, the sun has broken through the clouds and the view outside is beginning to brighten.

I will write as if I can write an adventure that would seem like so much life will happen and everything will be right with the world. I can write that today, that dream opportunity will present itself and for good measure there will be an immediate bonus and enough to afford a place to stay. I wish the power of the pen was this strong. Can you imagine writing the life you wish to have and it actually happening just the way you write it?

This morning I was reminded of the cowardly lion. He lacked courage. He followed Dorothy on her adventure never realizing the courage that he had that kept him going in the face of all of his fears. He never saw that he kept taking one step forward each day. Today, I started to look back and wonder what my life would be like if I were to go back to Omaha, Nebraska. I think of all of my friends who would welcome me with open arms and offer me a safe place to stay with my dogs. I think about the great food that would be shared and the stories I could tell them. I think about the opportunities and that I could probably go back to my old job. I think these thoughts and smile. That could be me, right?

Then I think about this journey. Every step that has been taken to get to where I am right now. I begin to ask why it has been riddled with obstacles and how waking every day seems the most frightening because I have no idea as to how far I have journeyed, how close I may be to the finish line or what is waiting for me right around the corner. I have experienced so many obstacles that my expectations seem to only think that there will be a monster hidden around the corner waiting to leap out and devour me. Funny to come this far to be devoured by some hideous monster.

As a cowardly lion, I am not able to see the good things that I have encountered along my way. The many friends who have encouraged me and are praying that I keep going forward. The people who have surprised me with their generosity by donating money to help me in the smallest ways. The beautiful drives through the mountains which I would have never experienced from the comfort of my apartment in Omaha. What it was like to stay in a creepy old house which for me was made into being a negative place and yet I survived and made it out. The loss of relatives who could not offer help but instead ridiculed me saying that I am "reaping what I sow" which in the end is acceptable because my life has not been perfect and if this is punishment, I am taking it quite well. I am not able to see the greatness of a community coming to help me. I am not able to see the days spent in a yurt surrounded by a peace that calmed my breaking heart. I am not able to see the miracles of timing that when I really needed something little by little those things were being met and that there are those who witnessed these little things happening. How did my co-workers know to text me right at the moment in which I was leaving a bank not being able to cash a check and offer me enough money to afford a few days in the yurt..... I have had several moments like that one and yet because I am the cowardly lion I am not able to fully grasp and appreciate the magnitude and this makes me feel ashamed.

This weekend I was forced to drive to the beach and camp in a campground. The hotel in which I was staying was full and I had nowhere else to stay. The drive was amazing, refreshing and calming. The winding roads were surrounded by old trees which had begun to change colors due to the severe dry weather. These trees looked tall and strong and I admired their strength as I drove through them in the two lane highway maneuvering each sharp curve of the roads around the mountains. Occasionally, I would drive through a curve and see the warning on my visor that reminded me that Jeeps have a high rollover rate..... I arrived at the beach with my dogs and the wind was blowing very strong. I arrived just in time for a storm and this was my first time camping as an adult. I did not have much time but I was able to set up my tent and, thanks to my great lung capacity, blow air into my air bed to keep me from sleeping on the hard ground. I had enough to afford to go to a restaurant that claims to have the best fish and chips in the area and appreciate a cup of real clam chowder. The dogs enjoyed the new environment; they had never been to a beach. That night the storm hit and it was very strong. The winds whipped at my tent and the rain poured buckets of water over my head. My dogs slept while I waited for the tent to cave in and fall apart. My mind wondered if the set up was accurate what if I had forgotten something and it all comes apart? I woke to being dry. The tent was intact no water had entered and the only thing that happened was that my entire body was stiff from being tense all night. The experience was one I had not expected but I was glad to have had it because when would I have been able to camp at a beach with my dogs along the Oregon coast. It would not have happened had I not journeyed here.

I had a scare while at the campsite.... I checked my bank balance and was told that I was in negative numbers. This sent me on a frenzy to figure out what went wrong and what I could do. I was alone, in a tent, with my dogs, I had no money and could not afford an additional stay. I called and texted everyone and I could feel the prayers as they too began to worry about me. Then in the midst of all of the craziness a silent voice from within said, "Go." I broke down my tent and folded everything up and packed it back into my jeep and drove. I had placed a room reservation for the week and according to my phone it had gone through. The only way to know for sure was to get there and if things were to be bad, well, I would have to face that also. I had less than a half tank of gasoline and a drive of seventy nine miles. The bank stated that even though I was in negative numbers there was about forty dollars available but that was all I had. I went to a nearby grocery store and purchased a bottled water for a dollar and got twenty dollars cash. I put ten dollars in my gas tank because that should afford me at least sixty six miles. I drove back through the mountains and because of my emotional state each curve along the mountain made me feel as if the Jeep would rollover. Then a silent voice in my head took over and told me to look ahead instead of at the curve before me, to concentrate on a focal point beyond the curve and I began to handle each curve like a professional. The voice explained that I was too emotional to drive but that I had someplace to go and that I needed to get there safely. The voice stayed with me until I reached the hotel and when I asked the voice if I was going to be okay he assured me that I would be more than okay. I felt my nerves in my body shake as I walked to the front desk of the hotel. I gave them my name and the clerk said they did not have my reservation. My heart dropped and then the clerk asked if I had tried the same named hotel across the street? I drove across the street and once again felt my nerve endings shaking in fear. I walked through the lobby to the front desk and gave my name. The front desk clerk smiled handed the key to me and told me to enjoy my stay.

The next day, I checked my bank statement and the room cleared for the week and my account was not in negative numbers. I had a place to stay until Saturday. I had twenty nine dollars in my account and for this one moment it felt like I had a hundred dollars. I texted my friends and told them the news and felt all of them sigh in relief. I was safe, their prayers had been answered.

I am the cowardly lion. I face each day in fear but I keep going forward because things are happening around me and I feel deep inside that I am not alone. I try not to ask for help from my friends or strangers but I recognize when I should and so if you are reading this and feel inclined to help I have a go fund me page set up and I am taking donations. I will continue to write about my journey and let you follow along as I, the cowardly lion take each blind faith step toward courage and the finish line.

Thank you for following along with me in this new leg of my journey.

You can donate to:
http://www.gofundme.com/3k5w4g8tg